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Under A Winter Sun

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my new favorite song. May. 21st, 2011 @ 07:31 pm
Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
And I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb
But I'm good at being uncomfortable so I can't stop changing all the time

I noticed that my opponent is always on the go
And won't go slow so as not to focus and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide as long as they go fast from whence he came
But he's no good at being uncomfortable so he can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way
And say I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family
It happens so everybody cares
And wears the sheeps clothes while they chaperone
Curious you're looking down your nose at me while you appease
Courteous to try and help but let me set your mind at ease

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it I'm an extraordinary machine

Do I so worry you
No need to hurry to my side, it's very kind
But it's to no avail
I don't want the pill
I promise you everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it I'm an extraordinary machine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it I'm an extraordinary machine.
Current Mood: pensivepensive

my best friend's wedding. Apr. 9th, 2009 @ 05:11 pm
hahahaha wanna see me in a dress? i can't copy the pictures (you can buy them but not copy them to the computer), so until someone has them on myspace or something they're only viewable here:

terrihood.photoreflect.com -

it's in recent photos, under Linker and Carl. unfortunately you have to scan through all the pictures to find me, and most of them are of people you wouldn't know. but i'm in a purple dress!

i was the last bridesmaid to get my hair done (so it was taken from pigtail braids and fastened up in .5 seconds), everything was rushed so much, i was so tired and so not feeling well.. and i look like crap. =o(    but my friend pixie was an absolutely stunning bride! and i wore a purple dress!

and.. now i don't have to dread that weekend ever again!
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed

cool passage from my homework Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 08:39 am
There are seasons in your life in the same way as there are seasons in nature. There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade. And finally, of course, there are times that are cold and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. These rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things are.
-Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
Current Mood: anxiousanxious

Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 10:39 pm
see the animal in his cage that you built,
are you sure what side you're on?
better not look him too closely in the eye,
are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

see the safety of the life you have built
everything where it belongs
feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
and it's all.. right where it belongs

what if everything around you,
isn't quite as it seems?
what if all the world you think you know,
is an elaborate dream?
and if you look at your reflection,
is it all you want it to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks,
would you find yourself.. find yourself afraid to see?

what if all the world's inside of your head?
just creations of your own
your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
and you really oughta know
you can live in this illusion
you can choose to believe
you keep looking but you can't find the words
are you hiding in the trees?

what if everything around you,
isn't quite as it seems?
what if all the world you used to know,
is an elaborate dream?
and if you look at your reflection,
is it all you want it to be?

what if you could look right through the cracks,
would you find yourself.. find yourself afraid to see?
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: NIN "Right Where It Belongs"

a frog in the hat. Jul. 22nd, 2006 @ 11:23 am
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Current Mood: boredbored
Other entries
» (No Subject)
I'm just all sorts of in my head lately.

Things with Kaitlin are, I believe, very well. But it's quite an experience, being in a relationship. We've both been to hell and back, and despite the immsense changes in ourselves since that time, we both find ourselves with walls we never even really acknowledged before. It really makes you look at your own habbits and behaviors. Turns out I'm still neurotic.

We're no longer smoking in the house. Now that Jessica's officially living with us, it seems rude to smoke in here and stink up the apartment with our foul smoke. And we're painting.

We have digital cable. Having not had cable for years now, I think this is amazing. 150 channels with 7 HBO channels, Starz, and Encore. It boggles my mind. I never realized how strange commercials are. I also love the commercial for an antidepressant where one of the listed possible side effects is suicide.

Work is work. It's all part of the game. I've figured out how to play.

Jess and I are going to start coming off our meds next month. We feel it's time.

So I will give no attempt to quit smoking this year. And I'm okay with that. John didn't quit smoking in Peru, the question was answered before I asked it at the airport when he pulled out a 10 carton package (1000 cigarettes) that he'd saved $70 on. We'll continue to support our cancer for awhile longer. It amazes me that I care enough to even want to stop ever. This is a new concept.

I'm going to go have a cigarette.
» take a lesson from these autumn leaves..
It's bizarre sometimes the way things work out. Take the way people enter and exit your life. Everyone's there for a purpose. Sometimes they stay awhile. Sometimes they stay awhile longer. Sometimes you lose track of people because it's for the best at the time. Sometimes you look back and wonder how they're doing, wonder if they're okay and where they are. But you never really expect to see them again.

I knew this girl two years ago. I was a wreck. She wasn't done trying to destroy herself. I ditched her, only to spend two years wondering about her. I never honestly expected to see her again. I didn't even really know if she was alive. But I always felt it wasn't fair. It wasn't a fair situation. We didn't have a fair chance. Things look much more promising this time. We'll see what happens.
» (No Subject)
all i've undergone
i will keep on
underneath it all
we feel so small
the heavens fall
but still we crawl
all i've undergone
i will keep on

~nin

» surreal.
On Long Island in the wintertime..

It's been a long time since I've felt this weird. It feels like my whole life here was a dream, and now I'm stuck in a review of the dream. Images and memories flood my mind, yet it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem like any of it actually happened. There are wintertrees, and biting wind, and it's cold. So fucking cold. And grey.. like a dream. A cold, winter dream of a cold, winter life. With relatives all over the damn place. They've been sweet enough.. but I'm resentful and I'm not even sure why anymore.

Seeing chAka is good. Spending time with my mom is good. Seeing my father was just plain strange. The house still holds so much of my mother. Her style, her decorations, her desperate attempts to make it into a home. Yet interspersed are Collette's things, her furniture mixed among ours, her pictures hung among ours. Her children live there now. And I'm sure none of them give any thought as to the lives that existed there before them. Which is as it should be. The past is gone, what's done is done. Let my father derive some comfort in his old age. Maybe he's finally learned enough to open up to this third attempt at a family.

My father is old. His walk is slower. He struggles to stand. His mannerisms are forced. He doesn't know how to act around me. He doesn't know what to say to me. He doesn't know me. I feel bad, watching him age. We don't know each other. We never will know each other. I'm a stranger to him. A stranger he buys iPods for.

My birthday is the day after tomorrow. I'll be 21. I'm an adult, and yet I still can't decide if I feel seven or eighty seven.
» (No Subject)
It still brings a panicky feeling at times to realize I cannot put how I feel into words. Certain emotions and thoughts are just beyond the words that are used to portray them. They do not give an adequate description.

It's early November and the temperature is in the seventies. I remember when I was younger I thought of palm trees as a symbol of warmth and freedom.. because I lived in New York where there are no palm trees and it was cold and I hated it. But I hated everything then. I even had a post card with a palm tree framed in a sunset that said Florida taped to my wall. Where once a palm tree was attached to an image of easy living and an inner peace I in no way felt, the trees have become an image I see on a daily basis, reminding me of how far I've come.

And yet it is only in the last couple years that I've really relinquished the naivete that kept me isolated in a hell of my own making. Now I reside in a purgatory designed by people I don't understand.
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