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Under A Winter Sun

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i can't live my life like you.. Nov. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:44 am
Jennie and Mike preposed instead of them moving out, I ship Sebastian back to Dan next week.

I'm going to do this. Because it'd cost my mom an additional $400 a month to help me out with the rent on top of everything she's already helping me out with, and because Sebastian's becoming impossible to handle. I love the dog. But I really understand now why some mothers kill their babies. I really do. It's sick, but I get it. His behavioral problems are a lot for me to handle. I can't take him with me to Colorado anyway. And the fact is I'm not financially independent and I can't ask my mom to pay an additional $1200 minimum because I want to keep him a few more months. In the end Dan gets him back anyway.

And I'd love to be this animal rescuer-person, saving the abused and misunderstood animals and giving them a wonderful, loving home. I really would. But the fact is I can't do it right now. I'm 20 years old and I'm still financially dependent on my parents. I'm moving around and I don't own a big house or something for them to all run around in. I can't provide a stable home to so many animals. I'm really honored everyone has deemed me responsible enough to dump their animals on when they can't take care of them anymore, but I'm at a loss. Physically I don't have the energy for the dog. He needs attention. He needs to run. He needs to go to the park and play. I don't have the time. Financially I can't afford it. He damages things. He has to be boarded if I go away. He needs supplies. He needs to go to the vet. He's already lost me the security deposit on this apartment. Emotionally I can't handle it because he's a very high-maintence dog. He has serious issues and I just don't have the patience, although I love him and I'd love to be able to handle him. But I'm also young and need to be able to keep roommates. I can get away with a cat or two. They're low maintence, stay inside, and don't cause any trouble. But Sebastian's a bit more of a handful. I think Dan will be more able to give him what he needs. At least I hope so. I've been a good foster parent, and I've gone above and beyond given the situation I was put in. Dan's had 11 months now to get his shit together. I never gave him crap about abandoning his dog with me. But now it's time for thim to step up to the plate, because I'm running out of options.

Jennie's due to give birth February 14th. They want to move out at the beginning of Janurary so they're not moving when she's about to go into labor. My lease ends at the end of Janurary. At that time, I'm either going to have to have someone else move in here, or I'm going to wind up living with my mom and sister in Virginia. My mother just bought a three bedroom townhouse, and the fact is I can't afford to live in this apartment by myself. Moving to a one-bedroom apartment in this area would be rediculous given I only intend to stay an additional six months. That'd be a whole other security deposit, utilities bill, etc., and the one-bedrooms are too expensive anyway. So if I don't find another roommate by the time my lease ends, I'm going to move in with my mom until it's time to go to Colorado to begin the fall semester. I'm okay with this, because the fact is I'm just lucky to have so much help from my parents in the first place. Everyone else I know gets very little help, and really has to worry about money a lot more than I do. My parents give me a big cushion when it comes to my expenses, and I'm grateful. Whatever will save my mom the most money where I'm concerned, I'm willing to do. Of course that means she'd have to pay out of state prices for me to go to school that semester, but it'd still be less than helping pay for me to live by myself down here. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can find someone to move in here with me for six months so I don't have to go through the process of moving across the country only to have to move across the country again six months later. That'd be a pain in the arse. But we'll see.

I picked the wrong freaking week to quit Starbucks. Everyone else got compensated for the time they couldn't work because of the hurricane, but my last day was two days before the storm hit us. Now I have to call FEMA (don't ask me what that stands for) to request compensation for lost wages. Grr.

I finished orientation for Home Depot tonight, so I start in the store tomorrow. It doesn't sound like it's going to be that bad. Orientation was boring as all hell, but that's how orientations go I suppose. I text messaged pretty much everyone I know. Working in the store should be a bit more interesting. After I finish training, anyway. Whatever, I have to get a paycheck and I'm just glad I don't have to work at Starbucks anymore. I miss all my coworkers though.. I'm going to be lonely at work. =o(

I had a really weird dream last night.. one of those dreams where something you want happens, but then you wake up and it didn't really happen so you get really sad. Except it was bittersweet even in my dream. And then the someone from the dream called me just a little while ago and it reminded me and I got all sad. Really weird, though. I'm kind of glad things didn't go the way they did in that dream, cause I think I would have been devastated. Mmhmm. I'm not giving any more details than that so you can all remain confused.
Current Mood: weirdweird

another brick in the wall. Oct. 31st, 2005 @ 11:32 am
I got electricity back last night. This is a relief. All in all, I didn't fare too badly in this whole thing. Many people had their cars very badly fucked up (some even totalled) in the storm, and many still don't have power. If I were going to be here through another hurricane season, I would sure as shit be far better prepared. Sterno cans, full tanks of gas, plenty of candles, charcoal, and cash. But I doubt I'll be seeing a great many hurricanes in Colorado. Slowly, things are being put back together.

But I feel as though I may be falling apart. Not really.. I'll hold it together. But I think I'm past the point of really trusting anyone, ever. In getting clean I opened myself to the world around me, the good and the bad. And the more of the world I see, the more I kind of wish I hadn't done that. I know there's no turning back now, but I don't think I'll ever really forgive whichever entity asked me to come here.
Current Mood: coldcold

"nature can be a bitch.." Oct. 27th, 2005 @ 11:22 am
Janice gets a prize for being the first one I know in the area to have power restored. The prize is.. well, she has power restored. Most of South Florida is still sqinting at each other across candles by night, and waiting in long lines for necessary things by day. The few gas stations that are open have 3 1/2 hour waits for gas, and they're only open because they have generators. The other day we went on a charcoal hunt, the idea being with charcoal we could grill everything in the freezer before it all went bad. We were unsuccessful in finding charcoal to buy, what with everyone else in the area having had the same thought. However my neighbors were quite nice and allowed us to share their charcoal.. so we had lots of cooked meat and nowhere to store it. Refrigeration is something I never realized was so damn important. No one has work, because nothing is open since there is no electicity. So we all sit and play cards. I've learned how to play Rummie and Spades since the storm. I'm not good at either. And we have lots of junk food.

The hurricane was pretty crazy.. much worse than I had expected. I didn't take it seriously, and then I payed the price.. no cooked food, no gas, no cash to use at the few convience stores that opened by generator. The power went off around 7 in the morning the day of the storm.. my friend John saw the transformers blow. Around 10 I was laying in bed, listening to the storm.. when there was a crash, and pieces of my window blew across the room! With my window blown out there was nothing keeping the storm out, so I wriggled under the bed, grabbed the cat, and ran out with glass flying around me. It was crazy. Large chunks of the roof kept coming off.. some pieces smashed out windshields and windows of cars. Trees fell and completely totaled some of my neighbors cars. My car was lucky.. I'd moved it from under a tree. A huge section of tree had been whipped up against it, but John and I were able to drag it away later on. After the storm we all walked around, looking dazedly at the damage. It's pretty extensive. Someone told me the Boca marina was on the news up north because the boat house collapsed all over all the boats and shit. People were taking pictures. My neighbors were outside during the storm on their cell phones, letting their families hear it. They kept yelling "holy shit!" as more things flew and caused destruction.

The best part was after the storm the temperature had dropped about 20 degrees.. it's been cool ever since.. and the sun came out! It was a beautiful fucking day, with everything laying in chunks and twisted pieces everywhere. It was like the day after Armageddon. John and I drove up to Mizner Park to check out the damage. It was pretty fucked up. I don't see them opening this week. Then again nothing's opening this week, except those places blessed by generators. We're bored out of our minds.

Victoria lost her roof. It can rain in her house now. Janice's window blew out too, and the resulting mildew forced them to take up their bedroom carpet. I rent, so I'm not doing shit to my carpet. But everything in my room got flooded. I tried to shove as many papers as I could under my bed on the way out. When I cleaned I didn't see too much damage.

Thank god it's been cool since none of us have air conditioning. Now it feels like fall! Finally. But I do hope we get power back quickly.. I only have enough gas to make it home from here (Janice's house) and then I shall be stranded. I don't have enough gas to wait on line for gas. And there's no way to keep my cell phone well charged, so conversations with anyone are limited to "Hi.. yeah I'm okay. No, nothing major damaged. No, still no power. Yeah, give you a call when it comes back.." and that's the end. Fraser and Julia have sterno cans (they make water hot even without electricity), and they're picking up John and I later to go play frisbee. The four of us are hanging out a lot. Me and John especially, since we live within walking distance and there's nothing to do. The area curfew's still 7pm, since there's no street lights or anything. It's never been so dark. But you can see lots of stars. Anyway, I'm going to go since I came to visit Janice and here I am typing away at her computer. They say it might be up to three weeks for us to get power. I hope not. Luckily, this is probably the last hurricane I'll have to deal with. It's the end of the season and I'm moving before the next season. You don't get many in Colorado. And yay for Janice and her hot food and hot showers!
Current Mood: mellowmellow

it's all relative. Oct. 24th, 2005 @ 12:00 am
It's quite windy outside. I guess that's expected, what with a hurricane making landfall within the next few hours and all. It's a category 3 now, which isn't horrendous but could be bad. My friend wants to go to the beach. I have weird friends.

I haven't been updating because I've been preoccupied with things. Things have been rather stressful, both physically and emotionally. I was offered a job at a treatment facility and I was also offered a job at the Home Depot. After much deliberation I decided it would be more practical to accept the job at the Home Depot, the main reason being they offer part time hours and will work around my school schedule. It'd be almost impossible to carry a full time position while attempting to be a good student. I started training this past week, and last night was my final night as an employee of Starbucks. I am relieved of this, however it kind of feels like I've been farted out of a giant asshole and I'm walking straight into another one, hoping this one smells better. I hate the corporate mindset.

My roommate provoked my dog and he bit her, about two weeks ago. They're moving out, which means I'm short on the rent and that's no good. My mom's coming to the rescue this month, but I'll need to find a new roommate with a quickness.

Fraser, John, and I are all going to the same school next year. We'll be in Boulder, Colorado together. We're going to meditate and go hiking and camping. I'm excited.

If the situation permits, I'll be joining John in Peru for a couple weeks in July. I'll stay with a shaman in his hut and shit in a hole. I'm looking forward to this.

John and I went to a new reiki circle tonight. It was really awesome. It's one Fraser always goes to, although he wasn't there tonight. I knew a couple people from the other reiki circle. One of them gives reiki massages, and I volunteered to be a test subject.

I am stressed, and yet I have a direction to go in. It's good to have steps to take that you know go in the right direction. Change is frightening, and yet it is liberating.

Things are well.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: native flute music

Sure, I'll post this too. Aug. 29th, 2005 @ 03:29 am
I am the guy who came out to the entire school in his senior speech and got a standing ovation for his courage.

I am the girl who kisses her girlfriend on the sidewalk and laughs at those who glare.

We are the couple who planned and studied and got a damn good lawyer and BEAT the state that wanted to take our child away.

We are the ones who took martial arts classes and carry pepper spray and are just too dangerous to gay bash.

I am the transgender person who uses the bathroom that suits me, and demands that any complaining staff explain their complaint to my face in front of the entire restaurant -- and shares with my other trans friends which restaurants /don't/ raise a stink.

I am the mother who told her lesbian daughter to invite her girlfriend over for dinner.

I am the father who punished his son for calling you a fag.

I am the preacher who told my congregation that love, not hate, is the definition of a true follower of God.

I am the girl who did not learn the meaning of "homosexual" until high school but never thought to question why two men might be kissing.

I am the woman who argues (quite loudly and vehemently) with the bigots who insist that you do not have the right to marry or raise children.

We are the high school class who agrees, unanimously, along with our teacher, that love should be all that matters.

I am making a difference. Hate will NOT win.
Current Mood: dorkydorky
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So.. hurricane. Outside. Like.. now.

Luckily the one storm that's coming ashore like.. two miles away from me can't decide whether it's a tropical storm or a hurricane. Of course the lights are flickering constantly along with the cable and stuff, so we're betting we'll lose power within a couple hours.

Remember a couple weeks ago I mentioned this girl who'd worked with us and I'd talked to a bit? Yeah, well I've hung out with her a couple times now and she's totally not what I first assumed. Actually one night I went over there after closing my store and we talked until six in the morning. Then she stopped answering my calls and I was kind of like whatever.. until Monday night when she walked in my store and turned out to be closing in Tyrone's place (cause Tyrone quit with no notice). She was all apologetic and what not and I was all it's cool, and she ended up coming home with me to help me clear out my car and meet my pets. Everytime we start talking it turns into an hour long conversation. I think I've made a friend. Anyway, the reason she wasn't answering was cause she wasn't answering anyone. She's been having a rough time. And it turns out she's much more the kind of girl who'd read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and "Demian" than I originally thought she was. She's actually a very real person with some very real problems. And a very real perspective on them. The one thing I still stand on that I first thought is that she's bisexual in a way that a lot of girls are bisexual.. meaning she'll hook up with girls between boyfriends. So I'm not interested in gettng involved with her romantically or anything.. but I wound up with a friend, which I'd rather have than a hook up anyway.

Anyway, after I dropped her off around three in the morning, I packed and set out for the Gulf Coast with Jennie. We spent the last two days in Cape Coral on the west coast with her friends. It was nice. I think it's funny that on this coast there's all this civilization, and then you have the Everglades.. this huge freaking swamp right in the middle of the state. Then you have all this civilization on the west coast too, but it's completely cut off by this huge freaking swamp. And the only way to get across the swamp is to take Alligator Alley, the stretch of I-75 that crosses from Ft Lauderdale to Naples. It's appropriately named, cause there's nothing out there but swamp. It takes about two and a half hours to cross. I slept the whole way across the Alley and when we reached the house I said "Bed?" and they pointed to a bed and I proceeded to sleep for 24 hours straight. Actually I woke up a couple times, once even to take a shower, but kept going back to bed. Noticed a rash on my arm. Yesterday I woke up and went swimming (they have a pool/hot tub that I kept jumping back and forth from), Jennie took me to a meeting (AA's big over there) and showed me the area she grew up. She took me to the beach in Ft Myers and we waded into the Gulf of Mexico. It was hot! The water was like a bathtub. We went for dinner with her dad and stepmother. While out at dinner we realized that tropical depression number 12 or whatever it was had turned into a considerable storm, and decided to make the drive back last night instead of this afternoon when we'd planned on doing it. I was just as glad because as nice as her friends were I missed my own bed. So I drove us back.

There's something about the swamp that unnerves me, and I hate crossing Alligator Alley, especially at night. But I did it, even stopping at a truck stop halfway across so we could pee. I've crossed the Alley and back three times now, although this is the only time I haven't wound up in Clewiston by accident coming home. Clewiston is halfway up the state of Florida, straight through the freaking Everglades and inhabited by rednecks. I explained to Jennie and her family how I don't think anyone goes to Clewiston on purpose, in fact the people that live there must have been lost and just gave up. Said fuck it and made camp. They thought this was pretty funny. I'm sure there are other ways to get across the state further north that don't involve Alligator Alley, but they'd be hours out of our way. It makes me curious though. I know that after I-75 crosses Alligator Alley it turns north on the west coast and goes all the way to Tampa. I didn't want to go to Tampa last night, but I am kind of curious as to what it looks like.

Hey the wind's picking up. The palm trees are all bent over. The news has decided it's a hurricane now. Gina's mad Starbucks is closed. But there's a curfew, they had to close. I didn't have to work today anyway, but if there's any damange I won't have to work tomorrow either. Hmm. Wonder if I dare go out in the hall to smoke a cigarette. I think I'd better try now, before it gets real bad and I can't. All the shelters in the area are open, but this is just a really bad rain storm so I don't see why you'd go there. Although the last hurricane I was in was monstrous, or at least it seemed so to me. I'm from New York, according to the Weather Channel major hurricanes hit there once every 21+ years. I move to a area that says every 4-5 years. Of course.

I still have a rash on my arm. The lights haven't flickered in awhile. My kitten's lying next to me on the chair. She's cute and fuzzy.
» take a lesson from these autumn leaves..
Why yes, I am a keeper of wanderlust.

Have I completed what I came here to do? Is it time for the next phase to begin?

My lease ends in Janurary. My rent would go up again. I would be roommate-less again. I feel perhaps it's time to relocate back north. Not as far north as from which I came.. no, I will not be living in New York again. But Virginia.. perhaps that is the middle ground that would work for me. For now. The area is beautiful. The people are nice. Nicer, even, than here. The population in Boca is in general worse than the population in New York. This surprised me at first and yet has become a nuisance. I'm tired of being yelled at and treated like dirt while simply trying to earn a paycheck.

Seasons. I miss seasons. Although it's funny to say so, because I hate winter. Hate it with a passion. And yet.. autumn. Spring. These I miss. Virginia winters are far lower on the harshness scale than those in New York. It stays warm through October. And snows far less. Less cold-time and less snow-fall = happier me. I miss wearing some of my winter clothes. It's dumb, I know, but they're sitting in my closet and are neglected. There's no point in warm clothes when you live in South Florida. You can count the amount of days it's genuinely cold on both hands.

Which, in fact, I like. I hate the cold. Except here it's either hot. Or cold. There's never a season of time in which it's in the fifties. This does not occur. There is no changing of the leaves. There are no soft-flowered trees which bloom. Everything looks like it's made of wax. The tropical landscape is beautiful and comforting to me, yet I think for now it's time for me to return to the far more fragile-looking environment I've grown to miss.

The spring semester begins in Janurary. This lines up perfectly with the time I would move. There are wonderful schools in my mom's area. And a lot to choose from. I won't have to go to a community college anymore.

My eventual goal is Boulder, Colorado. I want to go out west. I want to go to Naropa. But I figure it'll take me longer than most to finish school anyway.. completely aside from getting such a late start. As of now, I have maybe 10 college credits. It's going to take me about five years to earn my Bachelors. I can spend two in Virginia and be quite content with that.

I've gotten the itch to move again for awhile now, and yet it never felt quite right. Because it felt like I was running from something. Running from relapse. Running from Pixie leaving. Running from myself. And yet I stayed here through all of that. I purposely stayed right where I didn't want to be, so that I could learn that moving doesn't need to be an escape, it can simply be about new experiences.

It's cheaper to live in that area. There's a much higher gay population. A few of my mother's coworkers are gay. In fact, one is a lesbian interested in meditation and reiki. Now there's someone I want to have a conversation with.

I could live on the other side of the tunnel (near or in Virginia Beach), where there are many beatiful areas and many interesting things. Because these areas would be close to my family.. and yet not on top of them. Seeing my mother and sister would not have to be a daily occurence. It would allow me to create my own life that merely occasionally overlaps with theirs.

From my mother's limited experience I gather the recovery community in the area is good, and I can check that out in depth prior to deciding for sure whether or not to go.

Sebastian would probably like it, and the pet-rent is usually only an additional 10 to 20 dollars a month. Him and Iris would no longer need to be illegals.

It's cheaper to live in that area.

It's possible Fraser will want to go with me, giving me a roommate and support all in one. It's not certain, because I'm not certain he'll be willing to leave Julia. He and I have discussed it though.

The area is less than eight hours drive to Long Island. This makes it much more accessible than it is now.

That makes my friends there much more accessible than they are now.

I know you're upset at this idea Janice, but I promise to visit you as often as I can and to talk to you all the time, and to have you visit me and see where I live. You know I can't stay here forever my dear. It's just not for me to do that. I have places to go and things to see.

I came here because I needed help. I had the desire to get better and learn how to live, but no idea how to do this. In Janurary I will have been here exactly two years. During these two years I've grown so much. I've become this real person, this person capable of expressing myself honestly and expressing my concerns honestly. I've become capable of making lasting friendships, of giving of myself and receiving of others in return. I've become responsible enough to care for the lives of animals. I've become responsible enough to do things I don't like doing because they need to be done. I've learned how to be a friend. I've learned how to set boundaries. I'm getting better at enforcing them. I've also learned that learning to live is a lifelong process. I won't be perfect.. not now, not ever. But everyday I'm making progress on many different levels, and I can honestly measure that progress now and allow myself room to grow. I'm a very different girl than the one who left Long Island, and I have every faith in myself that I will continue to evolve and become more proficient in living in the society I once ran from. I think that's what I came here to do. I think that's what I needed to accomplish. Making sure I'm okay with being in my own skin. Making sure I'm okay with sometimes not being okay. It's all about the process.

This is not a final decision. This is not even a formulated plan. It's just an idea, a possibility I intend to explore. It must be discussed with Samantha. It must be discussed with John and Laura. It must be discussed with my therpist. It must be discussed with a bunch of other people (yes, including you Janice), because it's a big step. One I want to be sure I'm ready to make.

But it's an idea.
» Sure, I'll post it.
It always shocks me to read something about the hatred of gays because the people I know are so totally chill with it and treat it like it's an everyday occurence. Which, for them, it is.. if they see me on a daily basis. }{=oP

A Mother's ReflectionsCollapse )

I almost forget that half of America would like to kill me.
» go choke on a biscotti.
I'm off tomorrow, and this makes me very happy. I was going to have to cover Tyrone but he came back from wherever the hell he went.

I bought a book to study for my exam. It looks hard. I haven't done math in years. I fried the hell out of my brain. I'm dumb now. I'm scared.

Jennie's having a hard time right now.. I got her an appointment to see John and Laura and also gave her the number for my therapist. She's seeing her in the morning. She told me her and Mike are going to move out west when the baby's born and I'm welcome to come. I think that's so awesome that she asked. I mean, I have a few things to do here and possibly some time to spend in Virginia before I go out west, but the fact that she asked me to go with them is what makes me happy. I'm a dork.

I'd better get working on my stepwork if I'm determined to stay in Florida until I finish working the steps with Samantha. My lease will end and I'll have to find another apartment (and roommate) in the area, and that will be a pain. It might just happen that way though. And if it does, it does. I have at least four years to get to Colorado. I think California might do me good some time down the road. Who knows. All I know is two things: I'm never going to move to a bible belt anti-difference completely repulican area, and for at least the next six months I'm going to grow where I'm planted.

Amy called me today and apologized profusely for the way she acted last night. It made me feel better.

I've noticed that either everyone is okay for the most part.. or everyone has an emotional breakdown in the same week. I'm having more of a physical breakdown than emotional right now. I feel like ass.

I'm really so freaking glad I'm off work tomorrow. I'm so tired.

I still love my bed.
» you see things. you keep quiet about them. and you understand.
Today was definitely an "If you're not in the TSSG don't talk to me" kind of day.
Work blew it out the asshole.
Amy (the one I work with) yelled at me.
I was very upset.
Upset enough that Victoria talked to me after work for about a half hour.
She helped a lot.
I didn't react as badly to the unpleasantness of getting yelled at as I used to, however my thought process still needs a definite reality check.
I'm glad that I can see a bad day for what it is now instead of it being the end of the world. It's a bad day. Tomorrow will be another day. I'll go to bed, I'll get some freaking sleep (something I was running without much of today, making it far worse), and I'll wake up and feel better.
Things happen for a reason, at certain times for a reason. I'm sure of this.
It's nearing the time for me to leave Starbucks. It just is.
But there's a few things I have to learn first.
I haven't written an entry in this format since the days of my using.
I don't know why I'm doing it now, except it's easier to jump from one thought to the next when my mind is racing. It's not necessary to make paragraphs flow, so I can just say exactly what's on my mind that much quicker.
I don't think I'll do this often though. But it's good for nights I'm so freaking exhausted I can barely remember my name.
I think it's time for bed.
I love my bed.
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